This Tuesday, season 19 of "The View" returns with live episodes 5 days a week. Which gives me a little over 24 hours to get my s 2gthr. Luckily, there are only two things I need to do before the premiere!! And they're pretty simple..
Step 1: HAIRCUT, MANICURE, PEDICURE, FULL BODY WAX, SPRAY TAN, HEAD TO TOE EXFOLIATION, BLOWOUT, EYELASH EXTENSIONS, FOLICULAR DERMABRASION, KNEE BUFFING, PINKY TOE AMPUTATION, NOSTRIL BLEACHING, CRYOGENIC LIP ALTERATION.
Being on TV every day means looking your best. And as someone who eats crunchwrap supremes on the semi-regz, I've got my work cut out for me. Sure, a mani/pedi is to be expected. But a spray tan is a must... it shaves off at least 2 or 3 nano-ounces of face weight off camera. Those of you following my bangs journey know that I started growing them out in June. I'm happy to announce they now fully cover my eyes, and in a few years time I'll be able to pull them into a ponytail, like an actual human. The point is, you never truly know your flaws until millions of people take to Twitter to tell them to you. And for that, America, I say thanks. Tune in on Tuesday to see my transformation into "Actual Thanksgiving Day Turkey." Tanned and shiny with just enough meat to satisfy a family of six.
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Step 2: CALL MOM
No one is more excited about my upcoming View ventures than my dear mother in Miami. And even though she's the reason for 99 percent of my problems and insecurities, she's my mom!! You gotta love her. Try not to!! Genuine dare. Mom has been secretly promoting me at her retail job for years now. Good luck trying to buy a pair of khakis without her whipping my headshot out of a drawer and making you follow me on all social media platforms. It's impossible! So it's exciting to see her hard work finally pay off with this latest (dream) gig. And actually, she's going to be on the show this week! So I'll surely give her a call tomorrow just to check in and see how she's feeling, and also hear her latest thoughts on how I should change my hair and have someone baby bird my food directly into my mouth. She's a gem!!
And that's it. Just those two steps. I've spent the break reading every newspaper still in print and watching "Bachelor in Paradise" on repeat, so we will have tons to chat about come premiere day. See you then!